
K and I recently sent the following email to some coupled friends, and thought the replies were too useful -- brilliant, even! -- to keep to ourselves. What follows is our initial email, some of the many responses (categorized for easy reference), and the chores list that K and I subsequently came up with (and that, with our expert-friends’ advice, has turned out to be pretty simple and quite user-friendly, thus far).
THE ASK:
Dear friends,
If you are receiving this email (and you are), it is because we think we might be able to learn something from your wisdom/ experience. Just a few months into cohabitation, we're working on figuring out all the nitty gritty stuff... Who does the laundry? Who cooks? Who shovels out the car? Who goes to the grocery store? So what we'd love are any and all tips that you'd be willing to share... perhaps in the form of "what to do/ what not to do" or "here's what works for us." Don't worry that we'll blame you if your miracle cure doesn't fit our needs... we take full responsibility for our actions!
RESPONSES:
GENERAL WISDOM:
• I want to really commend you guys because you are doing the most important thing already: communicating and trying to develop some systems that work for you. That is so key.
• I love your question. It is so important. We often joke that we need a "wife," meaning, in modern times, we have to figure out all of this division of labor stuff that was all clear when women couldn't vote and lesbians couldn't live together. I guess freedom has come with some work. I try to think of it that way, which helps a little.
• Be clear about what you need. Don't expect the other person to know. Never say "you always, you never." Show your thanks. Surprise each other from time to time by doing something that's not your job.
• SO smart to get some guidance on this!
• Also, something we've recently started is the on your own schedule (within reason) rule. If we split up loads of laundry to fold and put away, I like to do it immediately and get annoyed if he lingers. But I've relaxed a bit and realize that he does always do it at some point that day (or the next).
ON BALANCE:
I like the idea of going for "aptitude/tolerance" over "equality" because as we know, it's hard to quantify some of this work. So figuring out what you are good at, what you enjoy doing, what you really hate doing or don't do well... all this I think helps.
This stuff shifts, right? I mean, sometimes one person is sick or stressed or overworked and the other needs to be a bit stronger. Ideally, that should sway in both directions.
• My first suggestion is to have each of your "own" regular things.
• I'd say each of us carries our own weight, but in very different realms. Luckily we like those realms a lot. She never says, "Hey - your turn to cook!" And I never say, "Furnace is busted - can you take care of that?" I'd like to think I do most of the laundry, but that's not true. She's like the tortoise (slow and steady, doing the day-in-day-out stuff that keeps this place running) and I'm like the hare doing fast and intense bursts of projects-making. She rakes. I shovel.
• I think you need to thank the other person for doing the dishes or laundry or whatever, even if it is their regular thing and it's no big deal.
IN THE KITCHEN:
• Whoever cooks doesn't do dishes. At other times, never let a dirty dish go unwashed if you can help it. If you see it, clean it.
• Me: cooking with creativity, her: sustenance cooking
ON LAUNDRY:
• I do all the laundry every weekend because I feel passionately about having clean clothes and sheets on Monday and having the dog's bed not smell.
• We share laundry. It is always initiated by her
ON GROCERIES:
• I do most of the grocery shopping because I enjoy it, and we go to farmer's market together on Saturdays because we enjoy that. He cooks way more than I do because he is better at it.
Way more fun together ESP on Sat. night.
• We food shop together.
CLEANING UP:
• Like, I always take out the recycling. He always takes out the trash.
• Share garbage
• Saturday mornings are a key time for us. usually, we wake up and spend a couple of hours doing house chores. now, it kind of just happens. He will start changing a lightbulb, I will be sweeping the kitchen. He goes out to shovel the snow if it snowed. I start dusting and putting books and newspapers away.
• Hire a cleaning person. Perhaps I should have said this first because she is key. It protects our marriage and sanity. Especially at first, when we couldn't figure out how to keep things clean with regularity. I will give you her number if you want.
UNSOLICITED:
Always have sex when your partner wants to. Even if you think you're tired. It always ends up good!
_________
Besides the obvious excellent tips, I was also heartened to learn that everyone deals with this stuff... the unromantic side of romance. Because I’m so proud of what K and I have come up with (and because I want to reward you for reading this far), here is our Very First (attempt at a) CHORE CHART (subject to change, but working very well so far):
CHORE CHART:
Daily:
dishes - whoever doesn’t cook
making coffee during week - K
making lunch - T
making dinner
Monday - T
Tuesday - Date Night!
Wednesday - T
Thursday - K
Friday - either
Saturday - either
Sunday - either
make bed - K
Sunday mornings
K-
kitchen counters
kitchen sink
kitchen floor
stove top
clean out fridge
T-
bathroom floor
toilet
tub
mirrors
bathroom counters/sink
laundry - sheets (with assistance from K)
Both (when finished):
all other floors: sweep/ swiff/ vacuum
spray surfaces (tables, etc.)
front hall (sweep, organize)
Weekly or As Needed:
laundry: Do our own! (This was K's idea, and I love it. So much less stressful!)
garbage (including bathroom and office) (WED) - both
recycling (WED) - both
shovel snow - K
water plants - K
grocery shop (weekly) - T (+K sometimes)
grocery shop (as needed for recipes) - K
And now I must go put out the recycling. (The careful reader will notice that it's Thursday and the recycling was supposed to go out last night. BUT the even more careful reader will notice that Monday was MLK day, so no garbage pick up.)