Can I Get a(nother) Witness?

K and I met with our lawyer yesterday to finalize our Powers of Attorney and to talk about some details regarding using a known sperm donor (something we're seriously considering). Our lawyer had to call in two other lawyers from her firm to be our witnesses for the POAs, and after signing everything, one of those lawyers (an old, straight, married, white guy... not that there's anything wrong with that...) said, "You're getting married? Where do you live?" He then went on to say that it was a "BAD decision" to get married legally in MA (which we're doing), given that we live in RI, a state that doesn't yet recognize gay marriage. The reason? We won't be able to get divorced without moving to MA for a year first. While he's certainly correct about the latter statement, the conclusion that we shouldn't even get married seems ludicrous. Do most people have a contingency plan (i.e. divorce) 6 months before they say their I-do's? If so, I don't want to be one of those people.

Today we got a hastily handwritten 2-line apology from this lawyer that he clearly wrote under the instruction of our lawyer. The letter even said that our lawyer "told [him] in no uncertain terms that he had been insensitive, and that he apologizes for causing us distress."

What follows is my letter to him:

Thank you for your letter of apology. We believe that advising us against marriage in a state where we can’t get divorced seems logical to you, but to us it is simply insulting. Divorce is the furthest thing from our minds, and the last thing we expect to be confronted with when mentioning our engagement.

Our wedding is planned for this summer. We have spent the last several months excitedly meeting with caterers, photographers, dress-makers, friends and family, putting our hearts into planning the wedding of our dreams. We have also adopted a dog, purchased our first home, and are taking steps toward having our first child. It has been an indescribably joyous and affirming time in our lives and our relationship.

At the same time, we follow closely the struggle for marriage equality in RI and the country as a whole. In recent months, we have marched on Washington and attended hearings at the RI State House. Kris lived in Massachusetts when same-sex marriage passed in 2004, and was actively involved in that movement. We have been celebrants and bridesmaids at the same-sex weddings of our best friends. We have attended the court proceedings that ensured the legal rights of our close friends to parent their own biological and adopted children. We have been denied access to necessary fertility treatments because of our unmarried status. We have followed the struggles of same-sex partners in RI to bury their dead and, indeed, to divorce. We are acutely aware of the inequities that we face as lesbians and as a same-sex couple.

None of these challenges lead us to believe for a moment that we are foolish to celebrate and formalize our love and commitment through the time-honored institution of marriage. If you want to support your same-sex clients in their struggle for equal treatment, you might start by offering congratulations instead of judgment and admonition. If you must offer unsolicited advice, perhaps you should suggest that your clients move to Massachusetts while you continue working on the legislative end to right the inequities in Rhode Island.

Thanks Giving

I have a lot to be thankful for.

1. K and I (and the Whoodle) just got back from a post-Thanksgiving Thanksgiving dinner with my parents. The parents who have been divorced for, oh, twenty years. And who haven't celebrated a holiday together since, unless you count my brother's wedding, but I was too busy fighting with my then-stepmother to notice anything else. Anyway, it was really nice, and way less awkward than I would have expected. My dad toasted everyone at the table, starting with me and K -- a toast to our impending nuptials. He toasted his partner, her kids, my brother and his four year old boy (saying something individual and sweet about each one), and my mother, congratulating her on her decision to retire from the job she's had since I was six. So lots of changes.

2. K and I have moved into our new house. It's beautiful. We own it. I kind of can't believe it. Tomorrow we're having friends over for a post-post-Thanksgiving leftover potluck -- the second annual such potluck, the first have occurred one year ago when K first moved in with me. Has it really been a year? Has it really only been a year?

3. Thanksgiving itself was spent with a wonderful group of friends, and a very special baby who makes me feel instantly happy each time I see her. K and I were lucky enough to be babysitting her a few weeks ago when she took her first steps, and it was magical. As much as I love my family of origin (plus the additions), it was really nice to spend a grown-up Thanksgiving with friends. We played silly games, ate delicious food prepared by all of us, and did absolutely nothing out of obligation or guilt.

4. Today, as we drove home (to our new home!) from my family Thanksgiving, I found myself thinking about last Thanksgiving, cooking and feasting with K, just the two of us. That was amazing, delicious, exciting, new. This year, spent with so many friends and family it has to stretch out over three days, has been just as wonderful. And I found myself thinking about next Thanksgiving (because if there's one thing I find impossible, it's living just in the moment... there are so many other moments to think about!). We will be married. There is a good chance we will have already completed one cycle of IVF. So that means... there's a chance I'll be pregnant. A 40% chance... That's a statistic I haven't forgotten. In fact, I think all of the numbers, tests, medications, and injections are still lodged in my brain.

I have to admit, the idea of a pregnant Thanksgiving, 2010, makes me smile. And I know it will be different this time, with K right there with me.

First Comes Love

A lot has changed since I started this blog.

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of the death of my beloved dog. The one I adopted in college and the one who saw me through thirteen years, seven apartments, some girls, some heartbreak, and finally saw me through to this place I am now. This place of safety and calm and hope and romance and heart-swelling affection.

A lot has changed.

Tomorrow afternoon K and I are meeting with the (awesome, funky, we love her already) artist who is going to design our wedding invitations. Then we're going to meet with... a realtor! to make our first ever OFFER! on a HOUSE!

In summary: Girl tries to have baby, and tries, and tries. Girl doesn't get pregnant. Girl meets girl, falls in love, moves in. Girls adopt a Whoodle, get engaged, plan a wedding, buy a house...

OK, the buy-a-house part is still in the works, but let me just say that so far it's pretty darn exciting. And no small part of the excitement is the fact that the master bedroom is right next to another (baby...) bedroom, and there's a gigantic yard that we can already imagine little ones toddling around.

As our friends' (many) babies grow, we're getting lots of practice, and I'm falling more in love with our future every time I see K hold one of those little ones. I can't say whether we'll end up with this house. I can't say whether I'll get pregnant once we start trying again. But I can say that these days I feel more at home, more full and more held than ever before.

I have a good feeling about the Universe these days.

Season of Love

Forgive me, readers (if you're still out there...). It has been three months since my last post. Here, for the sake of documentation, is a brief recap of the last 3 months:

1. The Whoodle continues to prosper. He can pretty much sit, "leave it" and be incredibly cute on command. He had his first shave-and-a-haircut (which he did not enjoy), and spent his first vacation with his amazing dog-sitter (which he did like... he growled at us and ran under the coffee table when we picked him up).

2. The baby-boom in my friend circle continues. In the last few weeks three babies were added to my world. I no longer feel like crying when a friend tells me she's pregnant. K and I are both loving our friends' babies, and I'm loving how beautiful and peaceful and excited K looks when she holds them.

3. K and I spent an incredible 16 days in Kenya. It felt like 3 trips in one: part safari, part professional conference, and part visiting friends. Such an amazing thing to see such a very different part of the world, and to experience it all with...

4. my FIANCE! K and I got engaged! She popped the question (after carrying the ring around for over a week, waiting for the perfect moment) over sushi at the site of our second ever date... just before taking me to see Dirty Dancin' for my birthday. Ranks up there with the Best Days Ever. Being the planners that we are, we have been happily wading around in spreadsheets, lists, and wedding magazines for the last month or so. (And on the post-wedding list: baby-making revisited... but not for a little over a year, so stay tuned...)

5. Which brings me to today: Our one year anniversary. It blows my mind what can happen in one year...where I was one year ago... in the midst of IVF, nervously excited to meet this mysterious match.com girl, figuring the romance would be over as soon as I told her I was trying to have a baby.

So today, May 20, I want to document how lucky I feel. How I believe in love, in planning and letting go, in going for it.

A Whoodle of Our Own

K and I are parents. Of a Whoodle. That's half-poodle, half-wheaton, in case you aren't versed in -oodles. He's 6 months old. We just celebrated our 9 month anniversary.

Lesbian math.

Here are some highlights of our 3-week and counting parenting adventures:

1. Finding said Whoodle on petfinder.com and just knowing he was the one for us. Congratulating ourselves on our abilities to find The One on the Internet (recall our beginnings on match.com).
2. Picking up said Whoodle from his lovely and doting foster mother at a movie theater parking lot after he bravely made the journey North from his homeland of Missouri. Falling in love at first sight.
3. Waking up at 3 in the morning that first night to let him out of his crate. (He was crying.) Feeling like it was Christmas, 3-way cuddling in our PJs (well, K&I were in our PJs. Whoodles don't wear PJs.) and taking middle-of-the-night pictures of our newest addition.
4. Introducing friends (human and dog) to the Whoodle (we can just call him W. Anonymity...) Feeling showered by their gifts of rawhides, homebaked treats, blankets, and books.
5. Taking W to doggie school, feeling sure that he would be the smartest one there, and then being utterly exhausted by his displays of ADHD during the first training session.
6. Showing off his cuteness at the dog park. Loving how he adapts his style of play to the dogs he's with (but not loving the latest style, learned just today, which involves humping).
7. Taking him to the vet together and being listed at co-parents. (This is the same vet where K held me as I held my beloved dog for the last time in September.)
8. Learning (the hard way -- via a Whoodle ambush) that W must be in his crate while the mommas are having Special Alone Time.

And now I've officially entered the things one should not talk about, and perhaps not even blog about. (Are there such things?)

Domesticity

K and I recently sent the following email to some coupled friends, and thought the replies were too useful -- brilliant, even! -- to keep to ourselves. What follows is our initial email, some of the many responses (categorized for easy reference), and the chores list that K and I subsequently came up with (and that, with our expert-friends’ advice, has turned out to be pretty simple and quite user-friendly, thus far).

THE ASK:

Dear friends,
If you are receiving this email (and you are), it is because we think we might be able to learn something from your wisdom/ experience. Just a few months into cohabitation, we're working on figuring out all the nitty gritty stuff... Who does the laundry? Who cooks? Who shovels out the car? Who goes to the grocery store? So what we'd love are any and all tips that you'd be willing to share... perhaps in the form of "what to do/ what not to do" or "here's what works for us." Don't worry that we'll blame you if your miracle cure doesn't fit our needs... we take full responsibility for our actions!

RESPONSES:

GENERAL WISDOM:
• I want to really commend you guys because you are doing the most important thing already: communicating and trying to develop some systems that work for you. That is so key.
• I love your question. It is so important. We often joke that we need a "wife," meaning, in modern times, we have to figure out all of this division of labor stuff that was all clear when women couldn't vote and lesbians couldn't live together. I guess freedom has come with some work. I try to think of it that way, which helps a little.
• Be clear about what you need. Don't expect the other person to know. Never say "you always, you never." Show your thanks. Surprise each other from time to time by doing something that's not your job.
• SO smart to get some guidance on this!
• Also, something we've recently started is the on your own schedule (within reason) rule. If we split up loads of laundry to fold and put away, I like to do it immediately and get annoyed if he lingers. But I've relaxed a bit and realize that he does always do it at some point that day (or the next).

ON BALANCE:
I like the idea of going for "aptitude/tolerance" over "equality" because as we know, it's hard to quantify some of this work. So figuring out what you are good at, what you enjoy doing, what you really hate doing or don't do well... all this I think helps.
This stuff shifts, right? I mean, sometimes one person is sick or stressed or overworked and the other needs to be a bit stronger. Ideally, that should sway in both directions.
• My first suggestion is to have each of your "own" regular things.
• I'd say each of us carries our own weight, but in very different realms. Luckily we like those realms a lot. She never says, "Hey - your turn to cook!" And I never say, "Furnace is busted - can you take care of that?" I'd like to think I do most of the laundry, but that's not true. She's like the tortoise (slow and steady, doing the day-in-day-out stuff that keeps this place running) and I'm like the hare doing fast and intense bursts of projects-making. She rakes. I shovel.
• I think you need to thank the other person for doing the dishes or laundry or whatever, even if it is their regular thing and it's no big deal.

IN THE KITCHEN:
• Whoever cooks doesn't do dishes. At other times, never let a dirty dish go unwashed if you can help it. If you see it, clean it.
• Me: cooking with creativity, her: sustenance cooking

ON LAUNDRY:
• I do all the laundry every weekend because I feel passionately about having clean clothes and sheets on Monday and having the dog's bed not smell.
• We share laundry. It is always initiated by her

ON GROCERIES:
• I do most of the grocery shopping because I enjoy it, and we go to farmer's market together on Saturdays because we enjoy that. He cooks way more than I do because he is better at it.
Way more fun together ESP on Sat. night.
• We food shop together.

CLEANING UP:
• Like, I always take out the recycling. He always takes out the trash.
• Share garbage
• Saturday mornings are a key time for us. usually, we wake up and spend a couple of hours doing house chores. now, it kind of just happens. He will start changing a lightbulb, I will be sweeping the kitchen. He goes out to shovel the snow if it snowed. I start dusting and putting books and newspapers away.
• Hire a cleaning person. Perhaps I should have said this first because she is key. It protects our marriage and sanity. Especially at first, when we couldn't figure out how to keep things clean with regularity. I will give you her number if you want.

UNSOLICITED:
Always have sex when your partner wants to. Even if you think you're tired. It always ends up good!
_________
Besides the obvious excellent tips, I was also heartened to learn that everyone deals with this stuff... the unromantic side of romance. Because I’m so proud of what K and I have come up with (and because I want to reward you for reading this far), here is our Very First (attempt at a) CHORE CHART (subject to change, but working very well so far):

CHORE CHART:
Daily:
dishes - whoever doesn’t cook
making coffee during week - K
making lunch - T
making dinner
Monday - T
Tuesday - Date Night!
Wednesday - T
Thursday - K
Friday - either
Saturday - either
Sunday - either
make bed - K

Sunday mornings
K-
kitchen counters
kitchen sink
kitchen floor
stove top
clean out fridge

T-
bathroom floor
toilet
tub
mirrors
bathroom counters/sink
laundry - sheets (with assistance from K)

Both (when finished):
all other floors: sweep/ swiff/ vacuum
spray surfaces (tables, etc.)
front hall (sweep, organize)

Weekly or As Needed:

laundry: Do our own! (This was K's idea, and I love it. So much less stressful!)
garbage (including bathroom and office) (WED) - both
recycling (WED) - both

shovel snow - K
water plants - K

grocery shop (weekly) - T (+K sometimes)
grocery shop (as needed for recipes) - K

And now I must go put out the recycling. (The careful reader will notice that it's Thursday and the recycling was supposed to go out last night. BUT the even more careful reader will notice that Monday was MLK day, so no garbage pick up.)

Sometimes It Only Takes 6 Months

Yesterday was mine and K's 6 month anniversary. You of the lesbian persuasion understand that this is actually more like 2 years for us, especially when you account for the intense jump-start our relationship had, starting, as it did, during my IVF cycle. So how do we celebrate six wonderful months? By moving in together!

Tomorrow I will begin a new chapter of my life, sharing my home not with the bouncing baby that I thought I was waiting for 6 months ago, but with the love of my life I didn't even know was out there.

My home will become our home and it will be filled with love, laughter, music, shared dreams, shared macaroni and cheese, and hundreds of books. And someday that baby will join us. But it feels like it's going to be a full and amazing home just as it is for now.